Tuesday, September 4, 2018

TTC Update

Can it be called an update if there is nothing to update? Spoiler alert, still not pregnant.

This is an ovulation test, not a pregnancy test. May be obvious to some but not others and didn't want any confusion. I am actually odd in the TTC world, I think, in that I do not test a bunch. I did at first but then it just became a waste of money and way too painful.

On one hand, I am glad I shared that last post because it felt like a huge weight off my shoulders. I have KC, I have my best friend who went through the same things I'm going through, I have a few online friends who are just as helpful and necessary to my well being, but I still felt like I was being a Debbie Downer and complaining all the time. I used to be such a Negative Nancy (how many more of those can we get in, Sullen Sally, Gloomy Glenda, Pessimistic Polly, okay I'm done now) and I worked so hard - actively worked - to not be that person, that now when crappy things come up, I have a really hard time communicating them because I do not want to be negative. But negative shit will come up in my life, in everyone's lives, so I need to figure out how to talk about stuff without feeling like I am slipping back into my Cynical Cindy ways (okay I really am done now).

On the other hand, I wish I didn't share, because now I feel like I need to update or share when I get pregnant (I am removing the word if from my vocabulary for now). Which I know is ridiculous, I don't *have* to do anything. But the feeling is there.

The weird thing is, I still feel a little bit not ready. That it's okay if it takes a bit longer because I want to pay this off, fix this in the house, travel here there or everywhere. Having a baby won't stop us doing these things if we really want to do them, and really we already did all the things we planned on doing before having a baby. We've been together for 8 years and married for 5. We've had our 'time' together and we've done a shit ton o' shit. But I think I am telling myself I want to do even more so the whole no baby thing doesn't hurt as much, you know?

Thought that was cute.

So, we've been trying for longer than you are 'supposed' to before seeking help. But a part of me didn't want to make that appointment, like I was scared my doctor would tell me we hadn't been trying long enough, I didn't take enough temperatures to give her enough data, I was using OPKs incorrectly, I am taking supplements or vitamins that she doesn't recommend... etc etc. I am 100% positive my doctor won't say these things, she's absolutely lovely but the thoughts are still there. Or worse, what if she tells me something is wrong with me? That I am broken and am unable to do the one thing my body is supposed to do? Again, I *know* it's not the only thing my body is supposed to do and I am not broken if I am unable to get pregnant.. but the thoughts are there.

All those thoughts on top of things like - should I eat pineapple, should I take baby aspirin, maybe my hot baths are ruining my chances, oh god peas cause infertility, apparently lysol is stopping me from getting pregnant, am I drinking too much tea or soda.. etc etc etc. It's just so much, it can be so overwhelming. So I just try and take in what I can without stressing myself out and overhauling our lives. Contrary to what this post seems to be saying, I am actually not stressed about this. I do not worry about it. It's on my mind, sure, but I am not stressed.

Then there is the constant voice in my head that tells me so many people have it worse and I shouldn't complain. I know it's all relative and I have every right to feel all my feelings, but it's a voice in my head all the same.

I like to drink when I'm not in any kind of 'possibly pregnant' zone. I could 100% easily give up alcohol if I was pregnant, but I'm not going to deny I like having it around now.

But anyway. Moral of the story/post. I made the appointment at the urging of my bestie. It needed to be done and at least I can feel like I'm getting the ball rolling, even if it rolls in a way I'm scared of. 

My last post, I shared about how I wanted to focus on other things because putting too much pressure on getting pregnant is really not healthy, it's not like all my other problems that I've been ignoring will be magically fixed if I get pregnant. I haven't really done a whole lot towards all of those things though, but I'm not worried. I feel like - even though it's pretty much always on my mind - I am not actively thinking about it as much as I was. I am a lot more positive about it, though I have moments of not being so positive. We did more things with the outside world the past couple of months, I got back to the gym, I stayed off certain websites. Small steps, but that's the way to go. I have a few things I want to accomplish soon though, so I got back into making monthly goals.

So this wasn't so much an update as it was a bit of word vomit. It makes me feel better though, so there you go.

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