Thursday, May 31, 2018

While I'm waiting

I have a..... problem isn't the right word, but we'll use it for now - I have a problem with the way I live my life. I've always been like this. I wait for things. I prefer to say I look forward to things. I love looking forward to things. The idea of not having something to look forward to terrifies me. They can be big things - moving to America, going on a trip home, buying a house, going to Europe - or they can be smaller things - losing weight, fixing my skin, waiting for a new book to be released.

I have no issues with this waiting/looking forward to things. I quite like it. The problem part is when you're not in control of the thing you're waiting for. Money stops me from travelling, travelling stops me from buying a house because I'm spending all my money. Fixing my skin takes time, losing weight means more exercise and less bad food. I am in control of all of those things though. I can not eat the bad food, I can go for a run, I can stop spending money on stupid stuff so I can spend it on XYZ.

When it's out of my control.. I can't do anything. I don't like that. So I wait. I can't look forward to it because it keeps escaping my grasp and it feels like torture to look forward to something that's not happening.

^ all 3 cats in the same space without trying to each other had to be documented

When we first started trying to conceive, I didn't think I would ever really share it on here. People deal with it all the time and I was completely prepared for it to take some time, didn't expect for it to happen overnight. I am not talking about it now because I have been diagnosed with anything - I haven't. I am not talking about it because we've been trying for several years - we haven't. I am not talking about it because I think I am a special snowflake who is the only person to ever struggle to conceive - I know I am not. I'm talking about it because it's always on my mind,  and what's a blog for if not to talk about what's on my mind?

When I say it's always on my mind, I mean it's in my head pretty much all the time. I don't stress about it, so please don't tell me to stop stressing. I know people mean well when they say things like that, but if it were that easy, if that were the simple fix, I would be pregnant. I am not a stressed person, I do not worry about things like I used to. A lot of that has to do with my mum having a stroke - the shit that used to stress me out just doesn't bother me anymore. It put everything into perspective. So I do not think I am a stressed person. 

I have no idea what is wrong, if there is even anything wrong with me. All I know is that I am not pregnant but I am doing everything I am 'supposed' to be doing. I am not yet at the stage where I want to or feel the need to see a specialist, though I am nearing it.

I am not at the point where I begrudge other people for getting pregnant - I do not know their stories. I am happy for people when they announce their pregnancies, when they share stuff about their kids. But I am definitely at the point where it hurts more than I am comfortable with. That's not their fault, it's mine. I don't know how to stop the hurt. If I ever hurt or resent people more than I happy for them, I will have to do something about it. But I don't think I will because I can separate myself and my situation and be happy for them while being sad for myself. I used to seek out baby related everything, now I avoid it. Not people sharing their pregnancies or whatever, but I do not actively search for things like I used to. What used to be a fun way to pass the waiting is now another knife to twist.


I am not 100% comfortable talking about this - which is stupid, why are you sharing it on your blog Kristen? Because I feel like I need to. Not for anyone else. For me. Because this is impacting my life. I am sad. I am waiting. I feel like I am in limbo, waiting for this to happen. I am scared it won't happen. I know we are very early into this journey and other people tried for years and years. I don't want to act like my situation is as bad, but surely I can also say hey this sucks and I would like a virtual hug please.

When I am waiting for something and it feels so far out of my reach, I can get so despondent about it, so what's the point of anything when this one thing is never going to happen. I know that's ridiculous. I know I shouldn't feel that way but I am not sure how to get out of it. This is not exclusive to our TTC journey, I have felt this way about other things in my life. The difference is, I either got over it or accomplished the thing. This feeling has never lasted so long before and I am struggling.

I am not expecting something to magically make me feel better about this, but I need to focus on other things, I think. I will still think about this, but that's inevitable.

^ who needs a baby when I have a Millie

So that's the point of this post, to say hello, here's what's going on with me, this is why I have been such a (real life and internet) hermit lately because I don't want to people, so let's focus on some other things.

Other things:

- Paying off debt. I've been too loosey goosey with money lately. We are *this* close to paying off a big thing but other things have been neglected while we were paying off that thing, so now need to focus back on those things.

- Lose weight. I've been eating my feelings like you would not believe. I need to stop, I need to get back to the gym more consistently. I made a real effort in May and it 100% made a difference for me, mentally, emotionally, all the allys. I am unhappy with myself right now, so I would like to be happy. I don't think a number will magically make me happy, but fitting in my clothes and not feeling like a sack of shit should help.

- House stuff. House stuff is so fun! Because I've been too lax with money, some of the exterior things we wanted to do likely won't happen this year, but we've been doing other things inside. I didn't plan the big exterior stuff properly anyway, but we might still get a couple things done.

- Cut back on shopping. I am still comfortable with the state of my shopping addiction, but lately I've been making myself feel better by buying things. Not really clothes or whatever like I used to, but books, house stuff, makeup or skincare (because I 'need' it). I am not in danger of being super addicted again, but in order to pay off debt and do stuff around the house, I need to stop wasting money.

- Blog more. I like to blog. I like to read blogs. I cut back lately because I feel like I have nothing to say, but it's a way to entertain myself, keep busy and it's an outlet.

- Self care. Don't love the term self care, but love the idea of it. Nothing crazy, but taking the time to actually take care of myself will do wonders I am sure.

- Be positive. I am naturally a negative person. I've been working on being a positive person for like 6 years and I will always be a work in progress. I can feel myself slipping into negativity lately and I do not like it.

- Braces. Surprise, starting that awesome (expensive) journey at 31. On one hand I feel too old, on the other, I have (hopefully) a long time left with my teeth so... this should be fun.

- A secret trip. KC normally does not read my blog without my permission, so he better not see this. I have a surprise trip planned in July and it's the perfect thing to look forward to.

Maybe other things:

- Read less. I don't know how much I want to commit to this one, if at all. You all know I love to read and I read a lot. But I feel like I am using it as a crutch lately, I constantly have my head in a book and I ignore reality. Exercise, self care and being a productive human are all suffering because of it, but I am coping, so... I'm not sure.


I am all for feeling things and letting myself go through the phases of life naturally. I normally give myself grace to feel like shit and get over it. I am aware that I get in funks, I go up and down. I am fine with that. The reason I am trying to get myself out now is because I am not comfortable feeling this way for as long as I have and for who knows how long in the future. I don't want to put so much pressure on getting pregnant, like it's the magical thing that will make my life perfect and make me happy. That's too much pressure for any one thing.

I mentioned that I am not 100% comfortable sharing this or talking about it, and that is because I am sensitive and get aggravated when people say things even though they mean well. Unfair, I know. But also because I am just not normally one to share big things like this, I like to deal with them in my own little bubble. I have a friend I've been unloading all my feelings off on, and of course I have KC. It's good to have these people and this support, but I am starting to feel like a burden, you know? Or a broken record. I realised I need some help, some outlet, some other way to get this off my chest. So here it is, off my chest.

So yeah. That's what's going on with me lately. Hit me with your best self care ideas.

39 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear Kristen. Wishing you the best luck - if that's even a thing to say? Sorry, but I'll hope for the best for you!xx

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  2. virtual hugs, friend. it's so hard when something so big is out of your control, because how do you NOT constantly think about it? wishing you lots of luck in the baby making department, and lots of peace and happy moments until then. xo

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  3. Hey- how brave of you to share this! Thank you. A couple years ago we were experiencing the same thing. It was terribly isolating and very emotionally draining. I hope that you get the peace you need and will be keeping you in my thoughts.

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  4. I know every situation is different sooo.... I am here to give you a virtual hug. The waiting is one of the worst experiences I had to go through. It affected every waking second. You have such a great way of getting it all down on paper! I hope you got something therapeutic in sharing. And when it’s all over and you have that baby the waiting sure seems worth it. Not sure that helps you now but. Hugs.

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  5. I know people say dumb things to other people when they're going through this, so just going to send you hugs and love. I'm glad you were able to get it all out - because sometimes that helps too. Your secret trip sounds awesome, and can't wait to hear all about it.

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  6. I am sorry things are so hard for you right now. Someone always has it worse than us but that doesn't invalidate the hardship of our personal circumstances. So yeah, say "this sucks" because it does. Everything encouraging I could write sounds a bit trite so I'll just say I am thinking of you and sending that virtual hug your way.

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  7. Just to throw it out there - I had similar struggles so I'm always a good open ear to listen if you need to talk - a perfect reason to set up a coffee date & chat ;) & I get if you never even want to talk about it - I'm still up for a coffee date just to talk things books - because I'm pretty good at trying to ignore reality myself. The best way to handle situations sometimes ;) LOL
    Excited for you doing a surprise trip - that's gonna be fun! Cant wait to hear more about it.

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  8. Sending you a virtual hug! I feel like I can relate to a lot of what you said on so many levels - not necessarily the pregnancy part, but a lot about the waiting and a lot of the other. I definitely get lost in reading and ignore things I shouldn't be when I am in a funk or dealing with something. Hopefully getting this off your chest has been good!

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  9. I've not been in your shoes, but I have several close friends who have been there. So much of what you wrote reminded me of long ago conversations over the phone, over dinner, and over pints of Ben & Jerry's. I feel safe in throwing a guess out there as to why it's on your mind all the time - your biological clock (talk about something completely out of your control!). A very good friend of mine, who tried to get pregnant for years, likened her experience to watching paint dry and waiting for water to boil. During that time, she basically put her life on hold... waiting. Here's the interesting thing, she got pregnant when she least expected it and it happened once she had starting living her life again. I'm not a terribly religious person, but I do believe in God and I do trust in the belief that things happen in God's time, not ours. That's hard for our instantly gratified culture to accept sometimes. I think your plan to getting back into life is a great idea. The days between now and when you get pregnant still matter, they are important, and you don't want to waste them. Life is way too short. I wish you all the best.

    (PS I understand all too well about what you mean by reading less. I threw myself into books as a means of escaping life when I was going through my midlife crisis. It was a great way of not dealing with reality. After a while, though, I realized what I was doing and knew I had to scale back, deal with things that needed dealing with, and get back into reality.)

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  10. Sending you lots of hugs!
    I am currently going through this very same thing and you put a ton of my feelings into words perfectly. It is so frustrating when there is nothing officially "wrong" but things still aren't happening. I haven't really told anybody, except my two best friends, that we are trying because I just don't want to talk about it.
    Thank you for sharing! Reading this helped give me some perspective on my situation.
    If you ever need to just vent to someone in a similar boat, just let me know. :)

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  11. We're in a similar boat. I'll leave it at that. If you ever wanna chat about it email me ;) It sucks waiting on something you don't KNOW will happen and having 0 control over the entire situation. As a list maker I find it frustrating that some things just can't be checked off the list =/

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  12. Lots of hugs!! I had an experience waiting on a completely different life-altering thing that was out of my control and it took over all of my thoughts. I don't have much advice, because what can you do besides take care of yourself? But I wish nothing but good things for you both.

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  13. Oh gosh. Sending you lots of virtual hugs and cups of tea. I think that lots of people end up in a similar situation, though I can't currently relate -- you're definitely not alone. I hope that blogging about it helps get it out of your head just a little, and that comments and people who want to chat with you further about being in that situation will help give you some peace and other ears to listen. :) I like your list of alternative places to focus your energy. House things are great! Especially if you are wanting to have a baby. Nest, nest, nest. But also, it's just fun to see things go from meh to amazing. :) I agree that too much reading can be a *possible* problem as well. I've had days where I am hiding from packing and painting... and even if we are "supposed" to be taking a break the only way I can do it is to shut myself in our bedroom and read and read. Possibly too much. Watching a movie or TV to break it up has helped me a bit. We are almost done with PBS's Little Women, which I am enjoying a lot. I am thinking about "Scheduling" date nights for me and KC like once every other week or once a month just to make us go out and do something fun. We are such homebodies, and I think in these situations it's good to get out, even if it is only for a semi-relaxed dinner. My biggest self-care tactics are definitely reading, taking walks, working with my hands (usually crafts/scrapbook -- but whatever would work) and unplugging. I am honestly seeking times that I can't be using my phone at all so I can relax a little. Looking forward to our cruise so much for that reason (almost) just as much as the travel! Surprise trip!! Woohoo! I can't wait to hear. More hugs and tea for you. Looking forward to more blogging from you, and more blogging for myself. LOL. I've been avoiding it as well. XO - Alexandra

    Simply Alexandra: My Favorite Things

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  14. In worry of saying the “wrong” thing, just know that I’m here for you whenever you need me. Sending you ALL the hugs and positive vibes.

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  15. Kristen, sending you a million hugs because I've been there too. We had a lot of trouble TTC this baby. It started with an ectopic pregnancy, and then took about a year of trying after that. I know many people try for longer, but during that year... it was tough. The negative pregnancy tests were discouraging and you're right, it really feels out of our control. I don't know if this helps at all, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone! Writing about it always helped me.

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  16. Well that sucks. <--- the most succinct way I can think to sum this up. And I double agree that not having the power sucks. Save the money, lose the weight, run faster, it's all, loosely speaking, a matter of just putting in the work.

    If this is not helpful then, my apologies, because I often struggle with whether people will take my humor the same way I do. But, things like this make me want to shake everyone who has ever been like "Oh, this was an accident, we weren't even trying!" Like, WHAT? Because to me, this translates to "Oh yeah, one of the sperm just bee bopped its way in there and saddled on up with my egg that only floats down from Fallopian Land once a month & is only single and ready to mingle for like 12-48 hours or something ridiculous before she shuts down & exits the party. & they just really hit it off, TOTALLY UNINTENTIONALLY." HOW. HOW? HOW???

    And self care makes me feel like a plant that needs watering. I prefer the term "me time". Usually, that means me doing something alone. Sometimes it's running or biking. Or getting a massage. Or being the weird lady outside the ice cream store eating in my car alone. Or sitting on the porch & reading.

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  17. Oh Kristen, I'm so sorry to hear you're having trouble with the TTC process. It is so so hard. I was a crazy person all the time that we were trying for both our kids. Took about 6 months each time which I know is not too long but every month the trying and waiting and disappointment was so difficult. I felt like I was never not thinking about it.
    In the spectrum of anticipation/moment/memory I think I prefer the anticipation the best as well. Then the memory. Rarely the moment, Haha! It's hard though when the thing you're looking forward to doesn't have a set date or is out of your control.
    Really fun that you are planning a surprise vacation though!!!

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  18. Big virtual hug coming at you from Texas! I've always been the same type of person, looking forward to the next big thing in life and sometimes neglect the now. I think that all of the things that you want to do will help you to focus on now, and hopefully help to get you out of the funk you feel like you're in too. And I don't think it matters how long the TTC phase takes, whether it's two months of 2 years, the waiting game sucks and I think that we're all a little hurt when we see others post pregnancy announcements when we're not having the same outcome as them. I know that I felt super hurt when our friends told us that they were pregnant, and we hadn't even been that actively trying for that long. I was super happy for them, but at the same time I wondered why not me.

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  19. I rarely comment but love reading your blog. I struggled with the same thing for a long time. I'm glad that you are self-aware and taking strides to make positive changes. I did not do this and suffered for it.

    My husband and I decided that adoption was the journey for us and we adopted our (now 10 year old) son three days after he was born. Everyone's journey is different.

    Glad you have a surprise trip planned - it may be just what you need.

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    1. thank you so much for your comment Jennifer. I am sorry you went through this and suffered during the waiting game. I have no idea how long I will be in this phase so definitely need to get ahead of my emotions and learn to cope sooner rather than later.
      I am so excited for our surprise trip :) Things to look forward to!

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  20. I am sending you lots of hugs and love. I didn't struggle to conceive, but I definitely live my life like you do...waiting for the next thing to be excited about. I am struggling right now with something that is sort of out of my hands too and I know exactly what you mean about it taking up a lot of thought space in your head. I am here with open ears and a huge heart if you ever need to chat. You know the ahole bros chat is always a good source of conversation too! On a lighter note, I cant wait to hear about the secret trip! How awesome!

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  21. Sending you a huge virtual hug, friend!! I'm glad you shared this with us - and I'm so sorry you've been going through all this. Know I'm thinking about you and sending you guys lots of love xx

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  22. these days it's not often i comment but i wanted to give you a big virtual hug. it sucks that you want something and have to wait without knowing when...but you're doing the right thing by climbing out of your head and focusing on other things. you know us aholes are always a text msg away if you ever want to vent/chat. xoxoxox

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  23. This is the post I could’ve written 4 years ago but was terrified to. I applaud you for sharing and I understand this so much. I can’t even with this, really, because I know every thought that must be running through your mind.
    I’m always ready to lend an ear.
    Keep focusing on the good stuff and find little things to look forward to (this is advice I never followed but should’ve...)

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  24. Hello... ghost poster here! I just wanted to say I am sending you all the positive vibes and love in the world. I am sorry you are hurting over this, it blows. Hang in there lady and just keep swimming!!

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  25. Hi, friend. I don't know what you're going through... but I'm in a similar boat. I turned 33 this month and I'm starting to really get babies on my mind. I'm kind of obsessing over it right now (I think this age thing has scared me) and I know we're not really at a place for this to be possible right now. And it is a burden. My shopping and eating are also bad (I think because I'm stressed over the above) and it's just an endless cycle. I also have to work at being positive. It's never going to come naturally to me. Can't offer advice, but can offer a listening ear and positive thoughts. I'm here if you need to vent! In fact I'm close! Let's meet up SOON. Sorry to ramble - thinking of you.

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  26. Ugh, I'm sorry you're having such a tough time with this. I know we kind of talked around it, but I never want to push people on personal stuff because I don't want to intrude (it's the British in me, we Just Don't Pry) plus I have zero experience or wisdom to share, BUT I am very much the same in that I do tend to live life by the next big thing. It drives my husband mad, like life is one big game of Pokemon. But I just see it as being goal oriented! Anyway I'm happy to talk about all or none of the above, as you prefer.

    I hope the blogging outlet helped, I know it's helped me process a lot of stuff. When it stops serving that purpose I'll stop blogging, but for now it's good for me I think. That's my self care stuff, plus focusing on trying to fix all the long term health issues I have (stomach issues, musculoskeletal issues, all the issues) which I think helps me feel like I'm achieving something right now. If that even makes sense.

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  27. Lots of hugs and love headed your way. I think getting it all written down is such a release/relief. Whenever I've been feeling down or waiting on whatever life has thrown or not thrown at me, I try to get out of that head space by either being goofy to make myself and others laugh or giving a compliment to make someone else feel better which changes their day and gives a positive impact to me. I also bawl my eyes out, and talk it over with friends who are experiencing the same thing. Being vulnerable with others it a big eye opener for me. Hope this helps :)

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  28. Girl, I am sending you the biggest hug. Sometimes I think the hardest thing is waiting with no real answers. When you know that something isn’t happening but don’t know why or how or when it will happen, it’s SO Frustrating. As humans, that’s not how we expect things to work. We expect answers and fixes and explanations.

    I am totally rooting for you girl, because while we’re not TTC right now, I’ve been in similar shoes and I know what you mean when you say it’s always on your mind - because it is. It’s a constant stream of thought, not worry.. but thought that just doesn’t let up.

    So much love to you, sweet friend ❤️

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  29. Oh goodness girl, I didn't read all the comments but I really hope you got the virtual hug you needed. If not, here's one more!! I am so sorry you are going through this. Waiting is hard! The unknown is stressful! It took me two years to get pregnant with my first and it seemed like ALL of my friends had babies in that time and it wasn't always easy to be happy for them. You are 100% normal and I'm glad you decided to open up a little and connect on this topic. Hopefully it gives you a little release and sense of connection with others who can relate!

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  30. Like everyone, sending you a big virtual hug, positive energy, much love and above all - a calm, peaceful mind. While kids have never been something I personally desired, I do understand how stressful and exhausting it is to wait for something you want so deeply and have no control over. I'm glad you shared Kristen because as hard as it can be to do (I'm weirdly private for a blogger), it's also freeing. And with that weight off your shoulders, I hope you're walking a little lighter, a littler freer, and a little happier today. Much love to you, my friend.

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  31. It does suck and I am sending you all the virtual hugs.

    I don't talk about TTC TV on my blog because real life friends read it who don't know, but after 2 years and 8 months of trying and 2 separate specialists we've been given a diagnosis of "unexplained infertility". Every test comes back normal, there is theoretically no reason I shouldn't be able to conceive but I have never been pregnant, ever. Now we're moving on to medication and insemination. The waiting has always been the worst part for me. And every single pregnancy announcement is like a knife to the heart - especially the "oops, tee hee" ones. If you ever need to talk feel free to email me. I hope your journey ends up being smoother than mine and it either works soon or once you do go to a specialist its a nice easy fix.

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    1. I have no idea how that TV got in there. Wtf phone? I'm sure you got the gist though.

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  32. I’m not sure what to say except I know some of these feelings. It’s just not the TTC feelings either. As soon as I started reading this post I thought ohh I’m going to follow this blog.
    I don’t write much in my blog but I love reading others.
    Thoughts are with you.

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  33. I'm right there with ya and it's not something easy to share with the world so I haven't as yet on my blog. I'm in the process of figuring out if I can conceive. Turning 35 this year means it's high risk. I've had ultra sounds and tons of blood work done recently to figure things out. Have you gone for blood work or OBGYN appointment to discuss with them? I know it's all very personal so you don't have to divulge anything...just some thoughts based on my current situation. Emily @ Martinis & Bikinis

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  34. Oh friend. I just want to hug you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. The waiting thing, especially when things are out of your control, is the hardest in my opinion. I'm not at the point of waiting for a pregnancy (not yet, anyway) but I have been on the "you have to be patient" end of things that are out of my control, and it was all consuming. Sending up prayers for you, friend. For peace. For comfort. For patience. For a baby. For all the things.<3

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  35. I don't have words of wisdom... but I do have Red Frogs. :)

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  36. Super late commenting on this one, but I am glad you felt comfortable enough to share this because sometimes it really does ease the weight a bit to have other's words of comfort and ability to relate. I hope you are able to connect a bit with others during this time of waiting. SO exciting about a secret trip - cannot wait to hear more about that!!! As for self care, reading is probably my # 1 and I think you have that one covered really well ;) but sometimes also just doing little things that are out of the norm really make me appreciate the small moments in life too. I'm not super spontaneous but when we do spontaneous things on the weekends I often really cherish those moments.
    Thinking of you often and hoping for the best for you and KC. Big hugs and lots of love coming your way xoxo

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  37. No words of wisdom but catching up on reading and just wanted to say I see you. And I get wanting/needing to say something out loud in your space but also needing to sort of head off any comments that people will make because they're the type of comments people make but not what you need.

    So I see you friend.

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Thank you so much for your comment! I reply to my comments via email, but I can't do that if you are a no-reply blogger.