Seriously though, I don't know why one of my friends hasn't asked me, in my opinion I think I would make a great bridesmaid. Why, you ask? I'll tell you why.
First off, since I have never been a bridesmaid before, I can go all out for your wedding and wear a ridiculously overpriced dress, shoes, jewellery etc and I won't complain one iota because I'll just be grateful that you want me there next to you.
Also, I will wear whatever you want, unless you want me to be naked and in that case, I don't want to be your bridesmaid. But puffy 80s style or a colour that doesn't suit me? I can dig it, it's your day.
I'll get excited about everything! Flowers, place cards, seating arrangements - boring but you'd never know it because I will have my excited face on ALL THE TIME.
I will attend all the things - your two bridal showers, your couples shower, your bachelorette party (parties?), luncheons, dress fittings, rehearsals - you name it, I'll be there. With a smile on my face.
I will not be the inappropriate bridesmaid who gets super drunk or goes home with a groomsman, or gives a horrible speech. I will not embarrass you. I will not be bitchy or complain.
I can give a fabulous speech. I think. I'm pretty sure. Well, I wouldn't know, would I?
I will hold all the knowledge in my head. Kristen, who got me the Kitchenaid mixer? Why, your great Aunt Mildred did, bride. What time did I say the rehearsal dinner was? It's at 6pm, your majesty. You can count on me!
I would be super supportive - hold your dress while you pee, be the ear you need to vent to about your crazy soon to be in laws, drive the getaway car if you change your mind, do shots before you walk down the aisle - you name it, I'm there for you.
I will make sure you look pretty. Gone are the days when I wouldn't tell you that your hair was messed up just a little, or you had spinach in your teeth, or your bra was showing. I will tell you all the things to make sure you look fabulous in all the photos. But just don't have spinach at your wedding, k?
I will dance all.night.long. Even if the music is bad (which it won't be because you have great taste!) my booty will be shaking the whole night, because if the bridal party doesn't dance, who will?
I'll give you a fabulous gift. I'm pretty sure I'm amazing at gift giving, in my own opinion anyway, but if I was your bridesmaid I would pick the most sentimental, useful, beautiful gift so that you'd never regret asking me.
Obviously this is all a joke and I don't particularly want to be some stranger's bridesmaid, and I'm really not bitter or mad at my
Just like I'm allowed to be sad that I'll never have a father-daughter dance (even though I am extremely glad my father is not in my life), I'm allowed to be sad that I'll never get to be there for someone's special day and be that good of a friend to someone. I'm not bitter about it, that's life but you're allowed to be like 'womp womp, I'll never get to do that'. I know lots of people say I'm not missing anything - spending money, attending all the things etc etc. But I just wanted to prove that I could. You know, on the internet.. without actually doing anything.
So... you getting married soon? Need a bridesmaid?