So. Half #5. I wish I could take this off my record. I don't even really want to talk about it but I need to.
Remember, you are supposed to get better, not worse. I am supposed to run a sub 2 hour half marathon this year. What kind of runner gets worse? Who does their worst half marathon 3 years after their best? You are not supposed to do that. You are supposed to get better. Or you are supposed to maintain, not backslide.
Supposed, schmopposed. Whatever. Moving on. For more information about the actual race, read Tracy's recap (here) or Alyssa's recap (here).
Basically, here's how my race went:
I stayed with Alyssa and Tracy for about 3 miles, I think. Maybe less. I couldn't keep that pace the whole race, and I didn't want to slow them down either. I started getting a bit dizzy around mile 6, I think. Nothing crazy, just a few black spots here and there. Sounds scarier than it is, but it's something I have dealt with all my life. About mile 10, I started to feel sick as well as dizzy, and I saw a medical tent - if it hadn't been raining, I would have sat down at any time prior to this, but I didn't feel like sitting on the wet ground (even though I was soaked, logic is not my strong suit). I told the guy I needed to sit down for a bit, he offered me a gatorade (vomit) and I drank it. From there, I guess I got a bit more dizzy because I don't remember how long I sat there - 1 minute or 5? I 'came to' with my head in between my knees. The guy didn't even realise really, so it wasn't serious, he just thought I was sitting there. Like I said, happens to me all the time but it's never happened during a race. The guy told me it would be best if I walked the rest of the race, I didn't say anything, he said he really strongly advised me not to run. I run / walked the rest, of course booking it when I saw the finish line. I felt fine after that, the 2 chocolate milks I got as I crossed the finish line helped.
So, what happened? I happened. I didn't train properly. I got cocky. I wasn't prepared. I'm not trying to say I got dizzy and blacked out to make an excuse. It slowed me down but I was out of the game well before that. I was slow. It took me over 2 hours to run 10 miles. That embarrasses me. Whatever the circumstances, it still makes me cringe. Sure, it rained the whole bloody time, and I have never run in the rain, but that should have encouraged me to go faster - get it over with. Instead, I grumbled and moaned about how cold and soaked I was, like I was the only one out there. If I had just gone a little faster I would have been done sooner. I know I could have done better, but my mind gave up before my body. If I had trained better, I would have been ok both mentally and physically. But I didn't, and it shows.
How did I stack up?
One of these is not like the other. Ok, two of these aren't but one is really bad. I can't even look at it without cringing. So let's look at this awkward photo of me instead (side note; I need to find a new outfit, I've worn this far too many times. Another side note; why are race photos so expensive? No.)
No use dwelling on it. I'm not looking for pity. This one is all on me. I wish I could say this would be my turning point, this will make me train better and harder and it will never happen again. But who knows. I have been trying to get back to where I was for so long, I just keep doing things - or not, rather - that set me back. I am ashamed of where I am today. Regardless of what anyone says, that's how I feel. But I am trying to be nicer to myself. Being mean isn't going to get me that goal. Comparing isn't going to get me there.
In the meantime, I'm not dwelling on this race. I'm not focusing on how slow I am compared to 2012. I run, I am a runner. Onwards and upwards. Every fiber of my being wants to berate myself and be disgusted, but I am forcing myself to be nice and faking it till I make it. I am proud of myself. Not for this race, but for not giving up. One day I will be proud of how far I have come, but until then I am proud that I am not giving up.
I don't feel ready for the Derby half, so I'm not sure if I will sign up for it. I need to stop expecting so much from myself without putting in the work. I am not going to get back to 2012 by running 3 miles once or twice a week. I need to put in the work if I expect to see results.
Tracy's Shamrock marathon recap inspired and motivated me and I feel a little light inside me (corny?) that I haven't felt in awhile. I love to run, but I love to run well so it's easy to get discouraged when I'm not doing well. I need to get better in order to love it as much as I used to. I'm not going to get better unless I work hard, and I need to learn to love it now even though I'm not very good. It's like an ongoing cycle or something. Love it, work hard, get better, love it some more. I can do this.
How do you get back on the wagon after falling off a few thousand times?