I had a grand idea for February's Training for Tuesday post, but life happened so... nope. C'est la vie.
My training is going okay. Not great, but okay. I know so many places are getting way worse weather than we are, and it's a walk in the park compared to last winter, but I am just so over this weather. I hate winter. I hate being cold. Cold for me is anything below 60. But I can run in the cold. I can't run in the freezing, and I can't run in the snow, or ice. Nope. Not happening. If that means my real runner badge gets taken off me, so be it. I can barely walk to my car in my snow boots without busting my ass, I'm not putting my klutzy ass in even more danger.
I have been slogging it away on the treadmill, as boring as it is, it has to be done, because I have to run. Will RnR be the race where I meet my dream PR? Most definitely not. But it's okay - it's still gonna be a great race, a great weekend with great peeps. I have the rest of 2015 to meet that goal.
So today, I'm not talking about progress or any specific exercise. I hope that's ok, Tracy & Alyssa.
The last item on my 30 before 30 list is be the most healthy, most fit, nicest, happiest person I can be.
In my 2015 goals, I said 'I am going to take care of myself. I am going to be the healthiest and fittest person I can be not because I want to lose weight but because healthy is where it's at.'
I have talked briefly about my issues before, and I have joked that I can't eat what I want anymore without gaining weight or feeling sick. I have rarely looked in the mirror and not thought a mean comment about myself. I have never pulled on a pair of jeans without thinking that they were a struggle to get on because I'm fat. I have never worn a bikini without feeling self conscious.
I am more comfortable in my skin right now than I have ever been before. I owe that to getting older, surrounding myself with positive people and in general leading a happier life. But I still think to myself 'if I don't eat for a couple of days, maybe I will lose enough to kick start my weight loss' or 'maybe if I purge all the crap I just ate, it won't count'. I am not fishing for compliments here, so please don't tell me I don't need to lose weight - I understand the desire to say these things but it does not help someone with issues like mine. I am so much better than I used to be, and I am proud of how far I have come. I am not trying to belittle my journey or the progress I have made, and I am not being a debbie downer just to be a debbie downer. I am just being honest.
I'm not the first person to experience these things, I won't be the last. But every single year, every single month, week and day - I tell myself today will be different, today will be the day that I eat better, exercise, lose 10lbs overnight, and feel good about myself, inside and out. Most days, I go to bed sad about a choice I made, mad about the weight I gained, or already making excuses for the next day.
I'm the kind of person that likes to start things on the 1st (of the year or month) or on Mondays. If I screw up one of the many rules I have made myself on a Monday, most likely the rest of the week is 'ruined'. It's ridiculous, I know. You don't need to tell me that. I am so sick of it. I am afraid I am going to wake up one day and I'll be 80 and still mad at myself for not making the right decisions and I still won't be completely happy in my skin.
Here is the kind of person I am right now:
- Exercise is not a priority or routine. I exercise semi regularly, but I skip more days than I should.
- I exercise because I want to lose weight. I tell myself it's because I want to be healthy, and live longer, but ultimately I want the scale to go down.
- I am such a slow runner compared to how I used to be.
- I eat my idea of healthy about 50% of the time, and the other 50% I eat crap, and drink enough milkshakes for every single person reading this.
- None of my jeans fit comfortably right now. I can't even do up a couple pairs.
- I eat a 'treat' or 5 a day.
- My mum sent me some Australian goodies for my birthday and the only thing that lasted more than one day was Milo, which is kinda like nesquik only not, and that (huge tin) lasted about a week. I have zero willpower.
- I lack motivation. I want the easy way out - doesn't everyone? I want to work hard and see results immediately. I don't want to wait.
- I use doritos in my nachos.
To be the person I said I wanted to be in my goals and 30 before 30 I want to:
- Make exercise a priority, something as routine as brushing my teeth. Stop turning off the alarm, get off the damn couch.
- Exercise to be healthy, to have a healthy heart, to sleep better and have better skin.. to live longer. Not to see the scale go down.
- Be a faster runner, but not crazy fast. I am never going to be super fast, and that is more than okay by me. I just want to get back to where I was.
- Eat healthy 80% of the time. I don't do well with restrictions, but I don't need daily milkshakes or a 'treat' every time I go to the store.
- Fit in my damn jeans.
- Snack smart. I do not need a cadbury creme egg, bag of skittles or chips daily... Snack on almonds, Kristen.
- Have better willpower.
- Have motivation to achieve all of these things. I know once I get in a routine of exercising regularly it makes me eat healthier so I am making smarter choices. It also helps me sleep better so it's not so hard to get up in the morning. I just need to be patient. The whole it won't happen overnight but it will happen thing.
It's embarrassing to admit these things - to myself, and to the internet. I have thought so many times 'ok, this is it. This is the moment I change'. Seriously, I'm sure I have said it at least 5 times on the blog alone. I am not complaining, I am not talking shit about myself just to talk shit, I am not fishing for compliments. I am just trying to work towards the best version of me. Hopefully one day I will be this person that I want to be. I will eat healthier naturally, I will walk by the junk in the grocery and not want to buy it all, I will look in the mirror and not be mean to myself, I will exercise to be healthy and happy and live longer.
I will still have my nachos with doritos though, because it's the only way! yolo.
What does being the healthiest, fittest, best version of you mean to you?