Thoughts on dieting + body image

Diet. What a horrible word. I have struggled with my weight since I was like 11, but that's a post for never another day. I have been on my share of stupid 'diets', and probably your share as well. And today, I thought I would share some of those with you. Keep in mind, like most things I post, that this is as tongue in cheek as it gets and if you are easily offended, scamper off. This is how I deal with my past, attempting to make light of it. It is not a funny issue, I am aware, but as I said. Me. Mon blog.

So let's get started, shall we?

1. Not eating.

I thought this was a brilliant idea when I was younger, after mean girls at school called me some mean things. Right after that, the modeling agency I had just signed up with requested that I lose 10 kg. Thats 22 lbs. I was probably 55 kg at the time. I reached the goal of 45 kg, but also put me in 2 types of hospitals.

2. Eating a lot, and then throwing up.

Never fear, my stupid teenage self thought she invented this idea, I ate and then threw it all up. Again with the 2 hospitals and still to this day I have issues with throwing up.

3. Eating very little.

Ok, since the other 2 didn't work out, I'll just eat the bare minimum. Less than 500 calories a day. brilliant. Who needs calories anyway?

4. The one where I give no fucks and ate all the foods.

I was working at McDonalds, promoted to manager which meant... free food, holla. I ate. and then ate some more. I worked 5am - 1pm every day, stopped by the grocery on the way home for some ice cream, lollies, soda, and chips. Every. Day. Did I mention I had no friends, and obviously no boyfriend?

5. Low carb.

Ah yes I tried to undo the mess I had done. Low carb was all the craze. I don't remember a lot of this time because my brain stopped working and I was tired all the time.

6. Eating only fruits & vegetables.

Not sure what I was thinking with this one. By the end of the day I was eating mcdonalds fries telling myself 'potatoes are vegetables'.

7. Juicing / Cleanses.

I do not do well on these. I like food. and chewing. and science.

8. Heartbreak.

Ah, this has probably been my most effective 'diet' yet. When KC and I broke up for a bit in 2011 the thought of doing anything, including eating made me so sick. I tried to force myself to eat, because I was smarter than teenage me, but it would just make me throw up. So I lost like 15 lbs. When I started feeling better, I increased my exercise to match my new appetite so I could maintain the new skinny me, or lose even more weight. I was on top of my running game. Then KC and I got back together and I got all happy, and hello 15 lbs.

9. The one with the disease.

Oh this was fun. It took 3 years of me throwing up, among other symptoms, for someone to finally diagnose me with celiac disease. At first I jumped on the 'everything that says gluten free bandwagon' and then I started to learn more about what was naturally gluten free, rather than the packaged stuff. I'm still working on cutting out gluten entirely, because it is really hard to say no to pizza. or cake. or  bread.

10. The non-diet diet.

aka the one that works. At a particularly rough time, I stumbled on The Londoner's Anti-Diet post. It was just what I needed at the time. It changed my way of thinking and I started learning more about eating well and 'clean' and exercising for fitness, not just to lose weight. Seems simple enough, eat well + exercise.

I try my best to eat well most of the time, and 'cheat' every now and again, but honestly it's something that I will struggle with for the rest of my life because it's a mental thing first and foremost.

It's hard not to be grossed out by what I see in the mirror. I am constantly horribly mean to myself, saying things I wouldn't dare say to another person.

Some nice people try and tell me I don't need to lose weight, and I know they mean well, but actually that's what started this whole mess in 7th grade. It just makes me want to lose weight even more, and puts me in the 'alone' and 'they don't understand' corner.

The fact is, everyone views themselves differently than others do. I'm the first to defend others when they talk shit about themselves, but it doesn't stop me from doing it to myself.

I am still working on not turning to food every time something bad happens. Or when something good happens. Or when something happens, at all.

And don't get me started on comparing myself to others. Celebrities, friends, bloggers, it sucks. I know I'm not alone. I am better than I was, but it's really stupidly hard to stop. Sometimes I have epiphanies and I am happy with myself and I remember that 'comparison is the thief of joy' quote.

So I feel really awesome and badass for a little while.

All while dreaming of my next meal, of course.

Lastly, Rebecca posted about this video and liking yourself here and I urge you to watch it as well, and think about the question. Seriously, if you haven't seen it, carve out 5 minutes of your time and watch it. With a box of tissues. It made me so sad and mad at myself for treating myself the way I do.

I am more determined than ever to focus on health & fitness, and not 'skinny' as my finish line. Because even at my skinniest, I wanted to lose more. It never ends when that's what you are focusing on.

How bout you? Have you ever tried a crazy 'diet'?